The first time I attempted suicide was when I was twelve years old. I took a bottle of sleeping pills, fell asleep for a few hours and woke up only to discover that what I had taken were herbal sleeping pills! My parents weren’t even aware of what I had done, and they were the reason I wanted to kill myself—I don’t recall the reason’s why (did I really need a reason?)—as a kid I was all about drama and I thought that my mom or dad would walk into my room and try to wake me, and discover that I was dead. I think I’ve always had a fascination with death; and I know that I am not alone.
As of June 2012, according to the NY Times, nearly 1 in 6 high school students has seriously considered suicide, and 1 in 12 has attempted it. Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/1-12-teens-attempted-suicide-report-article-1.1092622#ixzz2UWkigAGc
As a teenager, I don’t remember any of the kids I went to school with committing suicide, and I don’t even remember of my friends ever talking about it. In today’s age, I believe that there is much more of a fascination with suicide, along with cutting, and definitely an increase in drug use and I believe that drug use increases the likelihood of suicide attempts.
I didn’t start using drugs until I was a freshman in high school. I always laughed at my parents when they told me that smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol led to using drugs, but looking back, I now believe they were right (oh how I hate having to admit that lol). I’m not saying that’s the case in every situation, but I do believe that because drinking lowers a person’s inhibitions, it becomes a lot easier for someone to go ahead and try something (like drugs) that they normally wouldn’t try. As more myself, I went from first smoking, then to drinking, then smoking pot and then cocaine.
Cocaine was my drug of choice. The first time I used cocaine was when I was a freshman in Catholic high school. The first time I tried heroin when I was when I was 21 years old. I snorted it, got so sick and puked my guts out and thought I’d never do it again. Years later, when I tried smoking it, I liked it. Heroin became my drug of first choice out of necessity necessity. Although I loved heroin, I loved cocaine more—but once I got strung out on heroin, it became my first choice because without it, I wouldn’t even be able to function.
Once heroin became an absolute necessity for me to function, it became something that I both loved and hated. I hated the fact that unless I did heroin, I would get sick with diarrhea, leg aches, running nose, burning eyes and vomiting. I hated the things I did to get heroin, such as selling my possessions (including my body) stealing, lying.I hated the fact that heroin ran my life. If I wasn’t using heroin, I was doing something to get money so that I get heroin, because no matter how much heroin I had, it never lasted long enough and I would need to get some more. Sure, I could ‘relax’ a bit while I had heroin, but as soon as I knew that my supply was running low, I became anxious and could no longer focus on anything besides figuring out a way to get some more.
All this led to hating not only heroin, but myself. I think what I hated the most was prostituting—every time I turned a trick, I felt like I gave away a piece of my soul.
This is when I began obsessing about suicide. I don’t know any heroin addict who haven’t at least considered suicide at one point of their heroin use.
I truly desire to help people avoid some of the things I went through, or be of some encouragement to those of you who are already addicted to drugs or those of you who knows someone who is. As long as you are (or the one you love is) still breathing, there is hope.
Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary,and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.